sometimes i drive or ride with my eyes closed tight...

This song came over shuffle while I was making myself presentable for the people in this small town today:

Skyline Drive - Mae
Sometimes I run, but I'm not afraid.
Why must you bring up all the mistakes I've made?
She makes me smile, but you come around.
The wind in her hair reflects the sunset I see.

You make it seem like it was yesterday.
But we've come a long way out of the rain.
Can't seem to figure out what happens after this.
Why can't I?

Why must you say I made a mess out of things?
I won't believe it.
Tonight feels right like I'm dancing on air.
I'll make it right, I'll make it right.
Pull over to the station and fill up on fuel.
And what will I do?

Sometimes I drive or ride with my eyes closed tight
because if the skyline looks this way
then I don't want to sleep tonight.
Never giving up, always seeking light,
we must always try, try with all our might.

So, as I'm getting ready, I thought about this. I've had a lot to think about since Friday, quite frankly. I've been told I need to think more, like a little child. This upsets me, as much as I know it's true and as much as I hate to admit I'm wrong. So, this afternoon before I had a coffee with Laura, I went for a drive through all the familiar back roads that served as my therapist between the ages of 16 and 18. And I put in a new CD that made me happy and I sang and I thought.

This semester has been the most difficult semester I've had since I've been at Shepherd. Not only academically, but emotionally. Two production classes as time consuming as single cam and animation with an internship was probably a terrible idea, but my writing grew and I definitely developed a love affair with film, tedious as it may be. But, academically speaking it was one of my best...I can boast a 3.4 GPA, which I was impressed by considering all of my less than productive nights spent pacing Birch and crying.

That makes me sound pathetic, but I think that's the only way I can describe it. Emotionally, I hit an all time low this fall. Never have I ever felt this out of control of how I felt, but that started in the summer - it just continued. It's frustrating, expecting something to go away once your back and in the place where you thrive the most, but to have it only get worse and to knock you out for complete evenings, or worse, afternoons. I felt like there was nothing I can do, and for certain, Rhonda helped me out of a pretty bad position and I'm better now. I don't sleep as much, but, sleepytime tea provides me with the coma I need. I've never cried so much...ever. I'm typically not a crier. I'm typically not dependent. I'm typically not a huge bitch. But, then again, I'm typically not a lot of things I was this semester.

I value my friends more than anything else in the world. Especially some of the friendships that were made stronger this semester. I suppose...a situation that probably should have been avoided for my own personal health couldn't have been. I wasn't willing to give up all of those late nights and bad TV, but maybe I should have?

That doesn't seem fair to me...or to them...or to anyone, but maybe it would have made things easier.

I miss last spring...when things were happy and fresh. I need to change a few things, or I'm never going to be able to feel that again.

So...here's to a new plan for 2008. A plan that doesn't involve drama and feeling through my tear ducts. Here's to simply living and soaking in each moment. To writing and reading and learning. And adventures. And everything I possibly can. And not letting it get to me...and to a new romance, perhaps...or new friends. And simply to love. Because, love is the only thing that keeps us going...and I believe that more than anything. And here's to sticking with my faith in God, and listening to Him and going in the direction He points me for once.

But, mostly...to love. And focus and concentration.

No more hate and animosity.

(If that didn't make sense, it wasn't meant to...and now on to your regularly scheduled program.)

I bought myself a Scissor Sisters CD today...and I dig it to death already.

Peace in the Middle East