on selling myself short

Maybe I should have evaluated Shepherd's Masters of Arts in Teaching program earlier. Then, maybe I wouldn't have put all of my eggs in the living in town basket as soon as I did.

I did the research last night...and there's no way I could possibly apply for the MAT program for the fall semester. I need to take and pass the PRAXIS I and II, and have 50% of my coursework finished for my concentration area. I don't even know what the hell that last part means.

So...that's out, and I'm faced with yet again a decision.

Mom suggested I take some English classes at Shepherd in the fall, and take the PRAXIS I and II this semester and over the summer and in the fall, and apply for the program starting spring 2009. I could live in Shepherdstown, as planned, work someplace, as planned, and only lose one semester in preparation for my MAT. This is a perfectly safe, logical plan for my life.

Shepherdstown. Shepherdstown is safe. I know the town, the people in the shops. I know that I can sit at the Lost Dog for an hour or two and someone I know will wander in and say hello. I know I can go on a long walk and sit at the monument and read if I get frustrated or stressed. I know I can walk into one of the apartment buildings, or to West Woods or any of the traditional halls and find someone to watch TV with or talk to. I know I fit in there, and I know I am comfortable there. I know I'm safe.

I've always been safe. I'm everything a well brought up white middle class girl from suburban Maryland should be. I was rarely absent in high school, played in the marching band and acted in the school plays. I graduated on a sunny day in June and spent my last summer at home working with a community theatre. I went to college in the fall. Had a boyfriend there and liberated myself from him when I joined a fraternity that spring. I don't skip classes, only drink on the weekends, I do my homework and I'll graduate from college in four years. I make my parents proud. This all is expected of me.

Maybe the fact that all of my ideas of what my future should be have fallen through means I should disregard safety. Maybe, staying in Shepherdstown and staying in school is selling myself short of everything I could accomplish. Maybe I should stop deleting e-mails from CISabroad.com, and look into that abroad internship again. Maybe I should just do what I want to do next year: see the world...meet people...experience life. What good is a journalist that never experienced her own life? How can I write about someone else's fabulous life without writing a few stories of my own?

I should just come clean with myself...I don't want to be safe anymore. I don't want to go straight into a career and wake up on my 40th birthday and realize that I've been sleeping my entire life.

I'm back to square one...I don't want to be afraid of the next step.

Peace in the Middle East