on religion

I've wrestled with religion all my life. I've wrestled with most things though. I'm far too curious for my own good, and I question everything. Not to mention, I was baptized in a faith that my parents weren't took keen with, they wanted me to find my own thing so I went to every denomination of Christianity's Bible School and attended incredibly Catholic weddings and funerals.

Sit...stand...kneel...no, you can't do that. Jesus...God...Mary? It all sort of confused me. On one hand, I always knew that I was supposed to think polythiesm was wrong, but couldn't wrap my head around worshiping Christ, God and Mary and considering it monotheism. I just didn't get it. On top of that, people were always trying to convert me, throwing the Lord's Prayer in my face (there were so many different versions!) as well as The Bible. Well, in the words of the movie "Saved," The Bible is not a weapon. Yet, I saw it as being used as a tool for evil, not good.

So I denounced the whole idea of organized religion for a while, because too many people were shoving it down my throat. My boyfriend at the time made me go to Lutheran church with him, and consistently hinted at the idea of my converting. I couldn't dig it though, not at the time, not at St. Matthew's Lutheran, or any other church for that matter.

I mean, I was realtively convinced of a diety of some sort, I just didn't see the confusion to be worth it.

I found the Episcopal Church when my grandfather died. His funeral was the first real movement a priest had given me, granted, it was quite the Catholic service, but the priest inspired me to re-think my idea towards organized religion. Granted, not towards Catholicism, but I had decided I wasn't into that when I wasn't allowed to take communion, it had nothing to do with the priest at my grandfather's funeral, or the fact that he said his name wrong when blessing the casket with Holy Water. We joked that it was a good thing he fixed it at the end of the ritual, because we wouldn't want my grandfather's spirit's entrance into Heaven to be confused with someone that *gasp* may have not even have died!

So, here I am, suddenly involved with the Episcopal Church...and I've made the decision to be confirmed. Without Vacation Bible School, without pamphlets and without the Lord's Prayer in it's thousands of versions.

I still don't know if I fully get it. I know that proclaiming myself as a Christian states that I accept Christ's love and what he did to die for me. I make big plans to, as they say, "walk in love as Christ loved us." I know all of this. I know that Christ is supposed to forgive me, which is good because I have premarital sex, I used to drink underage, I have a moderate sailor's tongue and...quite honestly...all that stuff considered sin enters my life on a regular basis. I like the idea of forgiveness, and prayer and meditation. I think the story of Christ is amazing...Christmas, Advent, Lent...I dig it, I really do.

I put more faith in God that people give me credit for, quite frankly. Especially the Christians that let the world know they are such. I keep my faith private, really only broadcasting it in one of my cross necklaces and the occasional church name drop.

This is where it gets me...does not proclaiming from mountain tops that Jesus Christ is my saviour and I put a good bit of my trust in God make me a bad Christian? Or...is it that humility thing.

Just some thoughts. At quarter-to-four in the morning.

Jack Kerouac calls to me...see what I mean...about the sin?